“Yesterday I dared to struggle. Today I dare to win.” ~ Bernadette Devlin
It has been a hot second. I had to take a social media/blogging/ heck life hiatus. It wasn’t intentional, but sometimes the intentional is even more important to listen to then the intentional. I received my first and only (I got J&J, YES THAT) vaccine two weeks ago Monday and ended up super sick. The great news is I am fully vaccinated. (as of this past Monday, they say give it two weeks to kick in) And the I feel validated news is the shot confirmed I had COVID February 2020, as I had the same exact symptoms. It literally was like COVID take two.
I had just begun to recover from that when just a bunch of shite hit the fan it seemed. Combined with my sister’s birthday, it put me in a serious funk. And not going to lie, I have been struggling. A LOT. Social media has always been this place where I want to inspire and create, and when you aren’t feeling very inspiring, or feeling like their is an end in sight to all the stupid drama, posting and communicating is hard. And creating? forget about it! It was like my brain just kept hitting a rock wall and going blank. I struggled with some very lackluster Instagram posts before I was like screw it. Thus radio silence. Thankfully I am kinda semi back. I hope!
Before I go further (and this post might be heavy I don’t know what I am going to write honestly, but my HEART feels heavy, and the pressure behind my eyes is intense) I did want to share my vaccination experience since I am getting a LOT of questions. And while I was super sick, like I said COVID take two, I did not have COVID (the vaccine WILL NOT give that to you) but the symptoms were identical to my illness (that I thought was a crazy flu, though I did wonder) in February of 2020.
On March 31, New Hampshire’s Vaccination portal opened to thirty and up. I knew I loved thirty, but I was really excited to be thirty in that moment. Heck I wish I was forty! Kidding, kinda. I did have issues registering, but on Thursday I was finally able to. I looked up appointments and most places didn’t have availability until April 24th or so except Walmart for that coming Monday! I didn’t realize they were giving vaccines, but I took it!
They didn’t state what vaccine they were giving, and I assumed it would be Moderna or Pfizer. They called me Friday afternoon to go over my history, and I didn’t ask. It honestly did not matter to me what I got, I just wanted the darn shot. My appointment was at ten o clock and I got there ten minutes early. I was able to check in then and there. Again they went over my medical history, gave me my vaccination card and then told me to sit behind a screen. It looked like they had written J&J but as my father and all my doctor friends will attest to, those in the medical fields have really bad handwriting (sorry friends, but are you even a doctor if you don’t?) I mean if you are saving lives who has time for good penmanship right?
The pharmacist came right over, and as she was getting it ready she told me I was getting J&J which is a one and done shot. Honestly I was psyched. alot of my friends in New York had gotten it so I was ready. She gave it to me in the coolest kind of band aid where you insert the needle in it and then the band aid seals over. I was more enamored with that then the actual shot not going to lie. I then waited fifteen minutes ad went on my way.
I felt off all day, but honestly chalked it up to the weather, it having been Easter the day before. Etc. Etc. But by Monday night I was really not feeling well. I went to bed around 7:30 and exactly at eight o clock I started with uncontrollable shaking, my temp began to rise, I was nauseous, my chest was heavy, I was coughing, and I had a killer headache. The moment the shaking started I let out a few choice words, because I had been there before. in February 2020. It was as unpleasant then as this was. My Mom came in and she looked at me and verbalized wha iw as thinking, that I indeed did have COVID and I was not looking forward to the next hours days however long it took.
I took Tylenol tried to sip water, and put on some meditation to try to calm myself because I was also uncomfortable, probably due to the fact my heart was racing out of my chest, as well as my temp climbing to a hundred and two in a matter of minutes. For four hours I was like this and then miraculously at midnight it stopped and I was left exhausted. I finally fell asleep. While I didn’t have anymore shaking. I was left with no energy and just wanted to sleep the next few days. Tuesday, I literally felt like I had died and did rest the whole day, but I kept trying to push myself the following days which didn’t really work out that well. I didn’t have an appetite, and the kicker was I didn’t want to drink coffee!
You know MY world has stopped when I don’t want to drink coffee. It has only been the last couple days, almost two weeks that I am finally feeling more like myself. It was an event. BUT I will say I am happy I have the shot. It is much better then the alternative. I will also say that while J&J has been paused in the US, I am honestly not worried about it. Again the alternative which I have experienced and STILL recovering from, TWICE, is way worse.
Vaccination story out of the way, that, combined with more personal things, it has been a tough month. I have tried to be upbeat, but the last week or so I just literally feel so drained and exhausted by it all. I KNOW it will pass, but being in it and feeling this heaviness is hard, because I am not usually this person. And yet thinking that, also makes it that much worse with added pressure, because I keep feeling like I need to be stronger and tougher then I am. And that light I try to be? Well I don’t really feel like a light. Quite honestly I feel like it has been blown out, and I am just in the dark, and not the fun dark, but the scary dark.
And ya know what?
It is okay to have bad days or weeks or months. it is okay to feel feelings that aren’t always on the positive side. It is OKAY to want to scream and cry (which I have quite a bit) and just want to crawl into bed and never come out (also guilty of that!) Because those moments not only make you realize how mothereffing strong you are, but they also make you appreciate the GOOD days.
What we have to remember, and what I am trying to remember with myself, AND practice. Because as the compassionate friend and bringing the cheer and the ear cheerleader, I need to practice my advice myself. And that is to be kind and compassionate to me, especially on my bad days. Life isn’t perfect. It is messy, but it is also beautiful. And our darkest moments teach us that. It teaches us to be grateful.
Not going to lie I am still struggling, but it is moment by moment. As a friend recently said, keep walking through those doorways. If they are open go. And that is what I am doing. Sending you all so much love friends. I am here for you always if you need an ear. <3
Have you been vaccinated? How did it go? How is your April going?