Am I a Native Yet?
“The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.” ~ Desmond Morris
So many emotions are hitting me today but most prevalent are gratitude, amazement, and love.
Five Years ago, I arrived in the concrete jungle definitely one of the cubs. In a city that can have an eat or be eaten attitude I felt out of my element. Which was ironic because I had been spending time here for years and more and more in the last two prior to my move.
At the time I was at an all time low and despite moving to a new city I wasn’t sure I would be pulling myself out of it. No one knew the inner battles I was fighting with, yet everyone was judging the choices I was making without really knowing me.
I’ll never forget that. Not because I hold ill will towards anyone but because it is a reminder not to cast stones UNLESS you know the full story. At the time I didn’t want anyone to know because I was ashamed.
Thus I arrived in New York with two suitcases at an apartment that as cliche as it sounds really was a shit-hole. Everyone needed a shoddy apartment, this was mine.
I had moved here for yoga teacher training, and I remember sitting in my submitted studio, during a weekend I had dubbed “Anatomy on Speed.” I was studying body parts and proper terminology at one in the morning when all of a sudden I saw a rat dart out from beneath my bed. It wasn’t just that I wasn’t in
Kansas North Conway anymore, it was a moment that made me realize I had to either be a big girl or suffer through.
There were moments where I did suffer through, eating carrots and hummus for breakfast lunch and dinner. Where there was constant rejection. Hundreds of no’s, that whittled away at my confidence and whether I could do this or no. The shoddy relationships. The days where I talked to not a single person in a city of millions. The moments when I truly felt like I was hanging by a tree branch and I had no one to help me, but myself.
As shitty as those moments were I wouldn’t change a thing, because they led me to some pretty amazing moments.
Countless memories of hanging at Central park or Brighton Beach. Of disastrous but pretty damn funny dates, that made me wonder if that happened. to the moments where I realized I really could love someone whole heartedly, but then also give them up because we both deserved the ut most happiness. To knowing I would find love, true love, not lust again.
The serendipitous moment of meeting my best friend who lived in Maine and also had a beautiful mermaid heart and a wanderlust soul.
To seeing Broadway shows, Rangers games, Boxed seats at Metlife, runs in the Hamptons. Drinking exploits in the village. Two for ones in Midtown, exploring all the city has to offer and always ALWAYS finding something new.
Thank you New York.
The growth I have experienced the last five years has been tremendous not just with relationships or career changes but with myself. I have found that inner peace I didn;t have when I first moved here. I have found that confidence that I needed. It wasn;t easy. BUT I made it. I did it. And that is the most important part. If you want something bad enough you will fight for it, You won’t give up. You will stay the course because that journey tells you more about yourself then anything else.