Am I Strong Enough?

As exciting as I am about moving here to the concrete jungle, with the approach of the eighteenth month anniversary in less then a week, Easter and then my sister’s birthday it has been hard. Not going to lie.

As much joy as I have been feeling it has also been dampened by the fact that I can’t share it with the one person I really want too.

So many times I have reached for the phone or craved my sister’s advice. And I know she is looking down, but with every anniversary whether it is happy or sad it always comes with anticipation and a sort of dread. You never know how you are going to react.

And as someone who for the last year and a half has acted without the best jugdement to my health. Trying to take care of everyone else all the while trying to cope with my own grief and the issues that has brought up it has been tough.

But today after getting a massage from my fabulous masseuse (Chinese Body works at 72 between Amsterdam and Columbus Ave!! Best massage ever!) and before watching Titanic in 3D, my friend and I ended up sitting on the steps of a church and talking.

It was incredibly theraputic, because I also realized how much I had been hurting myself and how much others including family members had been hurting me.

For me, I have always had to be strong, always. The few times that I have ever tried to lean on people it has always backfired, either because they decided to dump on me first and then I felt guilty, or I just didn’t want to hurt them.

Most telling was right after Jacquie died I had called up a family member, not only needing someone to cry to, but also someone to come clean to, about my eating issues, especially because I was reverting back to that unhealthy pattern that I had gone through as a kid. Instead, she proceeded to dump on me, about everything she was supposedly going through and family issues that happened to her.

At the time I shut my mouth and kept silent, finally shutting that door of communication, and the pain and heartache I was going through and taking out on myself, instead of coming to terms with it.

I continued being there for that person, and the rest of my family, to the point where I was so isolated because I couldn’t talk about what I was going through, yet was constantly leaned on.

You can’t blame people for your own issues, we are our own persons and it is up to us whether we are damnit dolls or not.

It is also up to us whether we want to heal or not.

Going to France gave me that first  taste. Being away from people who were incredibly toxic because of their own insecurities. Despite it falling around my sisters anniversary it was the first glimpses of what it was like to be free. To not have to constantly have people lean on you, but also be able to be open, which I was with my aunt.

Which is why I knew I had to get out of North Conway, there are incredible people there, but there are also people who are toxic, some of  which are family members. And I don’t mean toxic in a bad way, but when you are around people who are insecure, who use food as a weapon and subtly tear you don’t trying to build themselves up because of self hate, it makes you go down a path you don’t want to go down.

And when you are already so terribly broken because of grief, it is an extremely slippery slope to be on.

Which is why being here in New York has been so healing. I am away from that.

Ironically the people who made a big deal about me leaving, those who guilted me, and also help encourage my insecurities and self hatred haven’t contacted me.

Which in some ways has been good, because that along with my friends realize that I don’t need them in my life.

They may need me, but I shouldn’t feel guilty if I can’t be there. If I have learned to heal and want to continue down that path.

My sister I think had an idea of what was going to happen, in her own spiritual self, with what she and I talked about before she died.

And I know she would be incredibly proud of the friends I have made now. Because in their own way they are picking up where she left off.

It is always hard to cut the cords. Especially when you have always been the caretaker and it has been ingrained since childhood.

But I also know for my own healing, my own perseverance, I need to be strong enough to cut those cords. After all if you can not heal yourself how can you heal others? How can you help others?

Despite the difficult days ahead, I know I have some fabulous friends who are with me, and helping me get stronger, and for that I am eternally greatful. There is an openness that is needed. And with my yogi peeps I have finally found that. Free of judgment and insecurity.

I am greatfull and also stronger and for me that s a fabulous feeling!

Namaste peeps <3

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