“Only I can change my life. No one can do it for me.” ~ Carol Burnett
It has been a looonnnggg hot second since I have been on here. I didn’t intend to take a break, but as the saying goes “sometimes the best laid plans go awry,” or something like that. I can not even believe it I the end of February! This year has been flying and 2019 has been a crazy rollercoaster!
Since I got back to the city, (even before that if I was honest, which I try to be) life has been insane. I hate saying that, because I feel like it is a bit of a cop out or a poor me mentality, which I do not have at all. But legit life has been insane!
I Am Moving
I have alluded to it here, mentioned it too few close friends, and yesterday, I finally confirmed it on my ‘Gram, in May I am moving!
Leaving the Concrete Jungle?!?!
After eight (yes eight!) years, I finally decided to cut the umbilical cord and I am saying Au Revoir (or perhaps Arrivederci?) to the city I have called home.
It is bittersweet and I admit, up until a couple weeks ago I was struggling hardcore with my decision. It wasn’t one I made lightly. There is a part of me that will always love New York and always consider it home. It played a pivotal part in my growth and development. Totally sounding like a psychologist now.
I found friendship. I found love. I found heartbreak. I found coffee. I found food. I found courage. I found challenge. I found strength. I found my beauty. I found friendship. I found passion. I found a career. I found education. I found a network. I found adventure. I found travel. I found a backbone. I found so much more then I can put into words.
New York made me the person I am and I am forever grateful for that.
But now I get to go and discover what that person can do and accomplish.
As I mentioned in a previous post, I have had one foot out of New York pretty much a year after I moved here. It had nothing to do with not loving New York, because I do. I can’t help that my heart is a free spirited one. Surrounded by homebodies, few people understand that, and it has been difficult to make decisions.
It is nothing against them. They need the stability and comfort of the known, of the familiar, where as I thrive on the opposite. Neither is wrong.
Combined with the busyness of life, it does make it hard, because I have few people to bounce ideas off, and I am an admitted people pleaser.
I am truly relying on myself, which is both terrifying and absolutely freeing.
Getting really deep now, (brace yourselves!) life is based on choices. We choose our actions, whether or not it is as mundane (though sometimes it can be difficult) a task as getting out of bed in the morning or more complex like taking a job. We are the ones who choose, no one else.
Many times our choices are based on others opinions and decisions. While it is our choice whether we let people influence us, we aren’t really following our heart, if we let others sway our decision.
Coming to this realization a week ago, was so damn freeing. I was choosing to give people power. I was letting their opinions influence me, and in doing so I was stressing myself the fuck out.
Yes, I am doing this on my own, and that is terrifying. I have to trust myself.
I am trusting myself.
Which is so ironic because, we stress the importance of trust being the core foundation of any relationship. That includes the relationship with ourselves. You have to trust yourself, and I am just realizing that. Trust is also a choice, and that is all on me. I choose whether I fail or succeed. MY choice, MY trust. No one else’s influence.
To say I have been on a rollercoaster would be an understatement and I hate rollercoasters. I abhor them with all the empathic passion in my soul. That is a lot, by the way. Of course I can fight it, or I can buckle myself in and take the ride no mater how uncomfortable it might get. And sometimes we have to get uncomfortable. It is all about personal growth. Sometimes it is messy, sometimes it is invigorating. But I get to choose and it is empowering As Fuck.
Have you had to make any big decisions in 2019? How do you make decisions?