“I believe much of the pain of a breakup comes from having a life plan that you have fallen in love with. When it does not work out, you become angry that you now have to pursue a new life plan.” ~ Karen Salmansohn
Break-ups Don’t Need to Be “Bad”
“He is an asshole.”
“His loss.”
“What a scumbag.”
When I broke up with my boyfriend of almost (and a whole lot of it’s complicated beforehand) two years, people around me started using negative language. Neither of us had cheated, (that I knew of at the time) he wasn’t abusive, it wasn’t anything bad, except we just did not work anymore. We were going in separate directions, stretching that rubber band until the inevitable break-up.
Yet, immediately, it became this negative diatribe with major ego getting in the way.
I admit their have been a couple guys I have wanted to go ape shit on. Post their pictures on social media with cheater on their forehead and say how much they sucked in bed.
But I refrained. Not because I have some moral high ground, but because in reality they don’t matter. I am wasting energy, -energy that could be put to actually finding someone that is compatible, – focusing on who did me wrong, when in reality they did me a huge favor.
Incompatible Puzzle Pieces
Growing up, my mom use to tell me that not everyone is going to like me. For whatever reasons, some people are oil and water.
She was right
No matter how nice I was, some people just did not like me and that same lessons apply to dating.
We are like puzzle pieces and we have to find our fit. We aren’t always going to get it right on the first try. Sometimes we are, but are to blinded or filled with self doubt to realize it. Sometimes it takes a lot of fish in that metaphorical sea. Sometimes we find winners that lack that spark and sometimes it is the bottom of the sea crustacean, creatures who really do deserve to be eaten (okay I am human, sometimes the bitterness DOES slip out).
What goes wrong, is when we let our egos dictate how we respond. I get it, when you are dating someone emotions WILL be in the mix. That gets messy. Even when your practical, rational side is telling you this ain’t working, it feels like one cluster fuck of failure, instead of realizing it is actually for the best.
Learning With Each Relationship
I have done a lot of dating, a lot of soul searching, and yes, a lot of swiping left and right. I have had four serious relationships, and more that were just holding space. I am grateful for all of them, -even the ones that ended less then well- because I learned something.
THAT is what relationships are about. Life is one big college course where we are constantly learning and growing, that includes Love 101. Sometimes we discover we are growing with people and other times we discover we are growing apart. But we still grow and learn and we need to take that with us into the next relationship.
Each relationship teaches us what we want and don’t want out of a partner. THAT is a good thing. It isn’t failure, it is maturity and growth, that if we are smart, we use to help us steer to finding someone who we actually click with, instead of making the same mistakes and settling.
It is okay to NOT Settle
We live in a society where people, especially women, can’t be single. Despite the Victorian Era having finished a hundred years ago, we cannot seem to escape archaic view points of being less then, if we don’t have a man and a family. Go to college to get a Mrs. Degree and then start the baby making machine.
Our self-worth comes from being in a relationship instead of realizing we can’t be in a relationship until our self-worth stands on its own. We settle.
We settle, because of society, we settle because we are less then if we don’t have a man behind us, we settle because we don’t want to be alone. We settle because we kinda, sorta, found someone. They check all the boxes, so yeah this kinda works, so let’s settle.
Ladies, fuck what society says and FUCK settling.
Prince Charming IS Out There
Being a romance writer, this might be the epitome of cliche, but our prince charming is out there. By settling, we miss that. Being with someone because he kinda, sorta, checks the boxes, is not fair to you nor is it fair to him.
We all have that person, the one who makes our heart pitter-patter and whom we willingly compromise, and grow with, rather then apart. The one you want to put effort in, and not do it half-assedly. We won’t find them by settling. Their is fear in being alone, but their is also fear when you don’t live life to the fullest, that includes being with a partner who in the opposite of what Jerry McGuire said, does NOT complete you.
It is easy to look at a break-up as failure. Ending a relationship regardless of the whys is still painful. I have had my share of drunken sob fests with friends (thanks guys!) it is a process after all. One I know I will not only be stronger, but better off in the long run. So will he. Sometimes love is knowing enough to let go, let go of the ego, to not settle, and learn from the past so you don’t drown in bitterness and resentment.
We all deserve love. We ALL deserve the right kind of love. Don’t be afraid nor apologetic by seeking it, because you will find it, we all will.
How do you handle a break-up? What is the biggest lesson you have learned from relationships?
I haven’t experienced break ups before so I’m a little worried if I do have to. I agree with not settling, I put myself first the majority of the time because if you can’t keep yourself happy what is the point?! I’m also a bit of a romantic like you and believe in love x
Huge hugs. Break-ups are tough, but I think if you have the right perspective (better off and better that you know it now, which is easier said then done) you will get through it.
I agree a hundred and thirty percent! Our first and best realationship is with ourselves first. Hehe I love that! I truly believe there is someone out there for all of us, we just have to find them! 🙂 Thanks so much for reading beauty! <3
Aaw I’m sorry to hear this Katie but I’m glad it wasn’t on bad terms. Bitter, dramatic breakups are the worst! Sometimes things just don’t work, you’re right. No point dragging it out☺ I know you’re strong and amazing enough to be on your own. But when you meet the right person you’ll know. I was so fed up of men and relationships I swore to be single for ages, then I met my partner by chance and I changed my mind😂☺ x
Thank you beauty! They really are! And no there isn’t. When you know, you know 🙂 Awe thanks love that means a lot to me!
Girl you guys are couple goals and so perfect for each other! You give me hope! Thanks so much for the sweet words! 🙂 <3
Aaw thanks huni💕 x
Hugs. You are most welcome sweets! <3 <3 <3
I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no Mr./Mrs right for anyone, really. I think what works is someone who you can emotionally bond with and be an ideal team with. Still, I think honestly people change over the years and like you said, eventually your ideal soulmate…isn’t.
It’s weird. I want to get married, but I view marriage as overrated and kind of pointless in this day and age.
Love is weird.
That is the beauty of life, we all have our own versions of what love is and should be, and what we want out of it. Sometimes it just takes time. (which sucks because who wants to be patient? lol) I also think sometimes you think people are your soulmate but they aren’t or else you wouldn’t grow apart and you would be willing to compromise.
I have had beautiful examples of marriage (tumultuous at times, but I have seen what vows truly mean) in my life, and why I refuse to settle for anything less then what I have witnessed, and because of that I do know it is out there, and it can survive even in today’s society.
I hope some day you find that, or at least find a relationship that is ideal to your wants and needs. Thanks for reading! <3
I think learning with each relationships is one of the most important things to remember! I totally agree that it’s not always a negative thing & I like your optimistic take on breakups 🙂
This was such a nice post to read lovely. It’s so true that not everybody is going to love you and we have to focus on the people who do xx
I’ve never really experienced a break up but I’m worried for when I’ll have to and how I’ll actually deal with it. I like how optimistic you are in this post 😊 xx
I love this post SO MUCH! You have my mindset on breakups; if it’s not going to work out, it’s a GOOD thing to know that rather than waste your time. People aren’t always compatible and you can’t force chemistry (like you said, sometimes a guy can seem perfect, but the “click” just isn’t there… i hate when that happens) so it’s always better to let it go and free yourself up for the RIGHT thing for you. I like to think you learn things from different people so that when you meet your right person, you’re the person you need to be to make it work with them <3
Ah I love this so so much! Everything you say is so true. Relationships are lessons and the break up of a relationship is not a failure no matter how hard you struggle to see it like that in the first place. I look back on past relationships and think thank God that never worked out, but at the time of the breakup it’s so hard. But you’re right. We must never settle for fear of being alone. Hell No! I think from my most recent ‘relationship experience’ I learnt the importance of self worth and knowing that I’m not asking too much to want to be treated with love and respect. In the past I’ve let people walk all over me because I felt unworthy but never again!! Thank god for the lessons hey? Anyway, I hope you’re doing good now! Just remember we have to kiss a few frogs in order to find our prince and you are so worthy of nothing but the best, beautiful! Lots of love to you xxxx
It’s so lovely that you shared all of this with us. Answering your questions at the end, I’ve never been in a serious relationship (yet). I’m 19 years old and I have a very busy life, and I feel like I don’t need a man right now. I also don’t have time for it haha, so I can’t really answer them. I broke up with someone once, we’ve had a relationship for a month and that was because he was moving away. We still talk on the phone sometimes, but we luckily don’t have hard feelings to eachother! Once again, I loved reading this blogpost and the little bit of advice you gave us. I wish you a wonderful week! xo
The biggest lesson for me was to just let go. God has a divine plan; when one door closes, a window opens!
I love this post, my dear. You are very wise!
So very true! Letting go is so difficult because the ego is involved. If you “Let go” you are admitting “failure” instead of realizing as you said that God has a plan and everything happens for a reason!
Awe thank you! Thank you for reading and commenting! Haha I am trying to be. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but as you said a window is going to open 🙂 <3
Absolutely love this post! It’s such a beautiful reminder to continue to grow, be positive and keep learning in life. I believe people come into our lives for a reason, and it’s important to appreciate them at that specific time in our life when they were needed, rather than waste away with thoughts of anger or sadness.
I love how you said about the puzzle pieces as well and how some people just won’t like you – regardless of how nice you are. x
Thank you so much for your sweet words beauty! They really do! Everyone, teaches us something. And holding on to anger and sadness really only hurts us in the long run, not the people we are angry with.
Thank you so much for reading! I am glad you loved this! Thanks for reading! <3
You’re most welcome. And that’s such a good point – anger hurts us and not the person we are angry with! x
It is so true! Oh fickle emotions 🙂 <3
This at first sounds like a bitter break-up of two lovers.
Lol. Definitely not a bitter break-up. I try to be more realistic and contemplative then bitter when a chapter ends:) Thanks so much for stopping by! <3
Reblogged this on Ancien Hippie.
Thanks so much for the reblog! <3
The best things come to those that wait 🙂 I was pretty sure I was going to be the crazy dog lady (and was happy to be so), then moved back to my hometown for a short while, where I met my husband. There’s a time and place for everything. I’m sure you’ll meet your prince charming, and he’ll be worth the wait, but I hope you have plenty of fun in the meantime!!!
That is very true sweets! Haha, I love it. Being a crazy dog lady doesn’t sound half bad 🙂 I love that story of you and your hubby. You give me hope! There really, really is. I am a strong believer everything happens for a reason. Thanks hun! Definitely embracing the single life! Lol. I hope you are having a fabulous day! <3
♥♥♥