Eleven Years: Lessons in Grief, At its Core its Love

“While walking down the street with Me there on your mind, I’m walking in your footsteps just a half a step behind. And when you feel the gentle breeze across your face, That’s me giving you a great big hug and a soft embrace.

Now when it’s time for you, from that body to be free, Remember you’re not going away, you’re coming here with me. And I will always love you from this place way up above, Let’s be in touch again real soon. P.S. God sends His Love.” ~ Anonymous

Eleven years. Eleven years, with a hole in my heart, that has since been haphazardly stitched together, repeatedly, albite ugly and messily, so that it resembles Frankenstein’s own mismatched stitches leaving a scar that is visible, if one but tore my heart open. Truthfully, it always will be there. Because that is what love is. People don’t want to think about the painful side of love. But the other coin of love, is not hatred, as they say, but pain. And grief. It is inevitable at some point we will experience a broken hearts, but for some of us, that heartbreak absolutely shatters us, because it is the ultimate irretrievable heartbreak, the heartbreak called death, which leads us on a forever journey, one we carry until our own passing.

Grief is a rollercoaster. And we are just holding on for dear life. Sometimes there are lulls where you can breathe and other times, it feels like you yourself are dying. There is no rhyme or reason for when it hits. And time does not change it. What does change, is your capacity to handle it. To persevere. Many times, especially when we are in the throws of a catastrophe, we underestimate our strength to power through. And that is what you have to do. Go through. There is no avoiding it.

And why would you want too? Because to feel immense grief is to also know what immense love is. We can wish things away. Pray that the difficult moments would disappear, but those moments are what make us, they are what form us. Those are the moments when love and goodness shine. A wise friend, who not only lost her Mom the day after Thanksgiving last year, but was with her to the very end as she battled cancer said:

Discomfort is the cost of admission for a meaningful life. When shit is hard you are living full out. You can not have one without the other. You can not have heartbreak unless you knew love. You can not have loss unless you knew connection in some way shape or form. It all feeds each other. ~ Alexa Silvaggio

Well hot damn. I urge you to read that again.

The last couple years have been hard for everyone, as we navigate life, and I hear constantly how people wish the hardships away. Which I get. It is ingrained in our very humanity to want pleasure and pleasantness. It isn’t bad to want to crave that, but it also isn’t reality. You aren’t living full out, if you have never gone through shit. Life, much like grief is one giant rollercoaster filled with those highs, lows, and even lulls. To experience any of them, means you have strayed onto the path of discomfort, grown and evolved.

I have been asked, if I knew what I had to face eleven years ago, would I still go through it, and my answer is unequivocally yes. Because despite all the pain, I would never ever wish away that connection. She has played a huge part in who I am, both when she was alive, and even still after death. I would not be who I am without my sister’s love and guidance both physically and spiritually. I would be a completely different person, if she hadn’t died. Maybe I wouldn’t have hurt and gone through the trials I did go through had God dictated a different path, but then would I have known such a beautiful connection?

I had a bond with my sister, I will never have with anyone else, and I would never want to. Relationships are unique in that they are between two people and can not be replicated by anyone, even in a family. And that grief while similar is also going to be different, because it represents THAT love, THAT connection. And that admission called discomfort, it ultimately worth it. Not gong to lie, it doesn’t always feel it, it honestly sucks, but ultimately it is worth it.

Grief is connection at its core. We mourn that loss. That love. And it is NOTHING to wish away, or lament. It is powerful, and beautiful, and raw. It is a tribute to a bond that can not and will not be broken, even by death.

I love and miss you Sugar and I hope you are dancing your heart out to 98* up there. I am forever and always grateful to all you have taught me and continue to teach me. Love you my guardian angel. <3

So I’ll be right there beside you every day and week and year, And days when you’re sad, remember that I’ll still be there.

When times are dreary and troubling words are said, I’ll wipe away your tears while you are lying in your bed. When troubles cause you to pray with all your might, God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.

When you think of my life on Earth and all those loving years, Because you’re only human they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry, since it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flower’s bloom without the rain. ~ Anonymous