Happy Birthday Sugar

I have the best friends seriously. My one friend (who has been a huge source of inspiration and encouragement) picked me up at the airport. Sweetest thing ever!

Then for the last couple of days I have been depressed.

Not in an I hate myself way, because NH pretty much confirmed I am on the right track. But in an I miss my sister and best friend.

Because this Saturday was her birthday. She would have been 27.

For me it is always tough because I use to make her birthday cakes.

And this year even though she isn’t here, I still couldn’t if I wanted to in her memory because of  my possible fire starting kitchen.

Also to birthdays are fun. And she and I always spoiled each other on birthdays. Always.

We always tried to make them special in some way.

And not that I don’t like the memories that come. And as much as I look on the bright side. It still doesn’t stop how much I miss her. Her laugh. Her smile. Her hugs (which she still had the best hugs, I don’t care what you Say Sugar!) her sense of humor, she and I gangsting it out to music in total not gangster like ways.

I don’t know maybe it would be easier if she had been old.

But at only twenty-five, the potential she had was so immense, the fact that she wanted to help Veterans at VA hospitals, to do that as a career is so selfless and beautiful.

And for that to just be gone is hard.

There are so many times when I wonder what she must think about em and hwat I am doing, and I remember those ocnversations we had the week before she died.

I also know I wouldn’t be doing what I am doing without her. Because she is the one that has inspired my practice to become what it has. She is what has defined yoga for me and taken it to that higher level.

And I know spiritually she knows, but sometimes I wish that I could hear her voice again, and no not on the drunken voicemails she left me two weeks before she died. Though they still make me laugh and smile and sob uncontrollably, as she is harassing me because I am being a party pooper (god forbid I had to get up at 4:30 in the morning!) and then starts to sing to me off key. Have I mentioned no one in my family can sing? She was not that exception.

As much as these memories make me laugh make me cry, it is still hard because I won’t have anymore. I wish with all my heart I did. I know somehtings happen for a reason. I know there was a reason for this. But it doesn’t change the sadness or pain I feel. I know it is something that will not heal over time per se, but I will learn to live with. And it is also something that I am beginign to learn to be open about. When you love someone you shouldn’t hide that regardless of where they are in this universe.

I have some incredible friends and some incredible fellow Teacher Trainees. Who were an incredible source of support, without knowing the situation, they were there for me and pillar and strength of support. It is also true what they say about centering. Because while my teacher talked yesterday, I felt an incredible calm and strength come over me that helped me get through the day. Yoga is incredibly healing and so are the people who take part in it.  Who chose to embrace all aspects of it. I am so greatful for the people I have in my life, but also for the group that has given me so much support. They made the day easier. And today I had even more support. As hard as it has been to be here, because no one knows Jacquie, it has also given me the opportunity to share her spirit and share who she is not just as a person but also her spiritual deity.

I know everything happens for a reason, and I know there is a reason she is no longer here. I also know that  because of her my life has been set in a motion and healing process because of her and in that way she will always be with me spiritually.

As much as I wish I could hear her speak, I know she is proud and I know she is incredibly proud of my fellow TT’s who took care of her Sprout  (though now that I mention that she might be wanting to haunt me for telling everyone about her boy band obsession) this weekend.

The love and support is truly astounding and I am one blessed chica. Not only to have my fellow tts but also to have been bless with my sister for the 25 and half years I had her.

To close the day out yesterday(which btw I rocked the pink in her honor) , I got to see my cousin dance. Which she was gorgeous as always. It is funny because especially since coming back from France I think back to that dream where the three of us wee living in a studio in Paris and my cousin is a starving ballerina and I am a starving writer and of course my sister was an oceanographer supporting all of us. Of course I do think an oceanographer in France might be a rarity…I could be wrong. Lol. And who knows maybe one day my cousin and I will still make it to paris, And she ma not be here physically or supporting us as an oceanographer, but I know she will be supporting us with her spirit.

To finish out the day (which is gorgeous whether of course) I am writing this in the park which I know she would approve of.

Happy 27 Birthday Sugar. I hope you eat lots of cake up there. I miss an dlove you always big sis. Mwah <3

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