“I have learned over the years that when one’s mind is made up, this diminishes fear; knowing what must be done does away with fear.” ~ Rosa Parks
One Year Later
It has been one year since I left the Concrete Jungle after having called it home for seven years and what a year it has been. I never could have imagined in my wildest creative author dreams that this would be life as we know it right now. Not just personally, but on a national AND world level. In some ways it feels like I closed the door on my 2P apartment and stepped into an alternate reality.
When I left New York it was to take a couple months, connect with family and friends, reassess my life after graduating college, and determine where the hell I wanted to go. I figured I would be in New Hampshire for two months tops and afterwards, I would either work and travel abroad in Europe, get a job on a cruise, or go directly to Charleston to settle down and do that thing called adulting.
I did not think I would still be in New Hampshire a year later, and yet it kinda feels a bit full circle.
What A Year
It is no secret that 2020 has been a rough year and being truly honest, it has been since I moved back to New Hampshire. Though I do use that term loosely, because I am not staying forever and I am STILL living out of a suitcase, but regardless of minuscule details, it has been a lot.
Within weeks of moving back, my ex-sister-in-law informed me she was sick of being a mother and a wife and was cheating on my brother. Honestly WHY she told me that (and more) I have no idea. Thankfully THAT conversation was the last time I have talked to her. Her subsequent decisions have been unconscionable both towards my brother and their sweet munchkins and done considerable damage. Not only have I helped my brother and Mom take care of the kiddos, and tried to be a support system to my brother, but I have also struggled to wrap my head around how someone who was a welcome part of this family for fifteen plus years, someone who was like a sister to me, could turn into this horribly immoral and mean person. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will ever understand.
As things began to settle down and we got into a rhythm with the kiddos, my parents had a series of health issues, beginning with my Dad in such desperate need of double cataract surgery, that I stepped in to help with paperwork until he was finally able to get it. My Mom had sinus surgery. (which she ha to have again) Then my grandmother unexpectedly passed. Afterwards I got sick, (with what I suspect now was COVID) and was out of commission for weeks. But all of that was just the warm-up to my Dad getting critically sick, (NOT COVID) ending up being hospitalized and out of commission for months.
Then we had the pandemic.
And yes all of this WAS the cliff notes version.
Everything Happens For a Reason
As much as this year has been a rollercoaster, it has only reaffirmed my belief that “Everything happens for a reason.” It may make no sense in the here and now, and be confusing AF. But eventually it comes full circle and clarity and reflection does set in and I have realized even if I haven’t wanted to be, I have always been where I was suppose to be.
Having graduated university, made the decision to not renew my lease, as well as the management company deciding to renovate my apartment, the wheels on the rollercoaster track were already starting. Not one to be impulsive, I wanted time to gather my thoughts for the next step, which I knew (and eventually will) would be monumental, so I went back to New Hampshire. I was there to be the support system my family needed when shit hit the fan with my brother, and parent’s subsequent health issues. I was able to help my other brother with the family business while my Dad recovered. And instead of stressing about loss of job (which surely would have happened in Charleston) or how I am going to pay rent, I am just lamenting the fact that I am not quarantining in a place that is warm.
A Slow and Steady Memoir
Our life is a slow and steady memoir longer even then those of the great Russian Classics. We can try to skip ahead, rush to the ending, but by doing so it won’t make sense. We will still get lost. While I do wish much of what happened hadn’t occurred, life isn’t rainbows, it is messy and unpleasant and painful, but that is also what makes us realize and appreciate the beautiful moments which helps us to persevere in the difficult times.
Amongst all the craziness, I got to spend time with my family, especially my nephews and niece creating memories, I otherwise wouldn’t have been able to make with them. Through every upheaval, there is a bright side if you seek it. We can choose to focus on the negative or find the positive. In focusing on the latter we eventually see that the universe does have a plan, one we may not understand in that moment, but once we are in it, and especially when we come through it, not only have we grown and are stronger for it all, but it makes some semblance of sense. This year has been cray-cray, but there is always tomorrow and the next day and the months to come. Maybe my plans will go awry, and maybe they won’t work because they weren’t meant too, and maybe they do because they are leading me to where I am meant to be. Whatever happens, I know I will end up right where I am suppose to be…which not going to lie, will hopefully will be in Charleston, though I am not opposed to the French Riviera either.
How has the last year been for you? Do you believe everything happens for a reason?