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This is Thirty-Two

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I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re doing something. Neil Gaiman

Good-bye Thirty-One 

Hello friends! It has been a whirlwind week so far. As I mentioned yesterday, I did a mini birthday get away where I felt so spoiled and loved by various friends and family. And today I officially turn another year older and hopefully much, much wiser! I know I sound like a broken record, because I say this EVERY year, but I have always looked at my birthday as my own personal New Years, where I re-evaluate and set my own personal goals, and not only is this year no different, I feel it especially extra! Thirty-two is going to be a great year friends!

Not going to lie, thirty-one felt a bit tumultuous. I was dealing with a lot, from health issues, to figuring life stuff out, to the rollercoaster of relationships/friendships, some of which have been irretrievably changed. I think with all the drama I felt like I lost myself for a bit. After all it wasn’t just this past year, but the previous year as well, as we navigated a pandemic, which was further compounded for me as close family members struggled with serious health issues. Life has been tough.

Don’t get me wrong, I have been through tougher, and I have been through easier. That is the epitome of life. It ebbs and flows, and it is how we handle it. And this past year, especially the beginning, I can honestly say I don’t know that I handled it always in the best ways. I definitely felt like I let outside forces and people change me and that I had become more jaded which is NOT who I am nor do I want to be that person.

Be True to Yourself

You can’t let people change you and you can’t change yourself to fit into a book, especially if it isn’t YOUR book. Over this last year (years really) that people will love you or hate you and they will treat you accordingly. As a people pleaser, I have an innate sense to please those people, even those who I realize I will never please. Ever. And their actions show it. And yet I kept trying, and I felt myself becoming jaded until I realized I needed to make a change.

I have always valued relationships above all else and put my all into them albite they are family, romantic, or friendship. And I realized that many people did not prioritize their relationships with me. I admittedly found it hurtful and I did begin to pull back in self-preservation. After talking to several people who I absolutely cherish their advice for their honesty as well as always having my back, I realize I had begun to look at my unwaveringly loyalty as a curse, that had ultimately drained me until my well was truly dry and the pump broken.

While that isn’t a good thing to be at that point. At all. Ultimately, being loyal, and a huge giver in relationships, is WHO I am. I love wholly and unconditionally. And if you are I my circle, you are in. Like any true Gemini. And I can’t let people change that. And I shouldn’t change that with-in myself. That being said boundaries are important and I am definitely learning that. I am also learning it is okay to let friendships go, even if they are old AF, if they no longer serve you, wish them nothing but the best, and let them go. It doesn’t have to be done maliciously, though be warned they might see it as such.

I feel like this sounds all gloom and doom, and it really isn’t. Thirty-one was in many aspects a huge emotional learning curve, but it also had some incredible moments, from a career that has taken off in aways I never dreamed, getting back to travel, new, but old relationships rekindled, going back “Home.” The friendships which are closer through mutual hardships and support. There are SO many good things that occurred and I am grateful for. And I am even grateful for the struggles. After all life isn’t easy and we can wish for easier years, but honestly the hardships are what makes us appreciate the easy moments.

This is Thirty-Two

I am definitely beginning thirty-two in a better head space then I did with thirty-one. This last week, especially, I have done a lot of reflecting, which I will admit had included shedding some tears. Not shockingly because I am getting older, but because I am finally admitting and coming to terms with my infertility journey and changes which have occurred over the last few months and mourning what probably will never be. And that is okay. Both in the mourning, and pivoting, because life does go on, even when it doesn’t turn out like we wish it to, sometimes the chapters that aren’t written, turn out for better then the thoughts we had in our heads.

I feel like this is the year, where despite everything, I come back to myself and my truth. Who I am at my core. And what I want to put out in this world, which ultimately is love and kindness and positivity, EVEN when things seem bleak. After all that is what has ALWAYS gotten me through my OWN dark moments. Life is tumultuous, but it is also a gift. Being alive is a gift. Celebrating a birthday is a gift. And how we view life is a choice. And I am choosing to soak it ALL up this year. So bring it!

Here is to thirty-two friends! Cheers! 

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