“Every story I create, creates me. I write to create myself.” Octavia E. Butler
Struggling
It seems like every quote I come across lately has spoken to my soul and this one in particular is yelling, I have been struggling something fierce the last few months. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I could do NaNoWriMo. In fact besides seeming to be at a cross roads, I was even questioning my writing.
You know I have hit rock bottom if I am questioning my writing!
Okay I am exaggerating slightly.
Writing Therapy
Writing is fuel.
It is MY fuel
It feeds my soul and declutters the mind. It doesn’t matter whether it is a blog post, working on my numerous novels, a freelance piece, or an essay for school. The minute I start to hear the click-clatter of my fingers on the key-board I feel my breath calm, and my heart rate sync. Sometimes I feel like I am in a trance. Hours will pass, but it doesn’t matter because I am at peace.
Yet, much like life lately, I have felt disconnected from my writing. There is an anxiousness. An almost robotic feel of going through the motions. I know that like with most things, it will pass, but when you are in the moment it is overwhelming. When writing stops being therapy, I feel even more adrift in the ocean that I usually love so much.
Kate 101
In typical Kate 101 fashion I had thought about taking a step back. When anxiety, depression, stress and just the world as a whole feel so compounding, in I go to my cocoon and rarely do I come out until I yank myself up by my bootstraps and tell myself to grow the fuck up and force myself to work through it. In other words, “Suck it up buttercup.”
It might sound completely out of character. Usually I am the one encouraging, being empathetic and the all around Mother Hen. But even Mother Hens need spa days to primp their oh so ruffled feathers, or they need days where they just want to get in a fucking cock fight, because yes, even females can flex their beaks and guess what? They are sharper then any males. (I still love you babe!)
Horrible metaphors aside, you have to suck it up. YOU have to be the one because no one else can make you. Yes you can have wonderfully incredible support systems, but at the end of the day, they aren’t stuck inside your mind and body. They make you feel better for a hot second, it puts a temporary band aid on the wounds, but YOU ultimately have to decide how you are going to move forward. To stay stuck in the conundrum or welcome the sunflowers, daisy and bright corny crap.
Happiness is YOUR choice
When push came to shove I knew NOT doing NaNoWriMo would kill my already tortured artist soul. (okay honestly is it just me, or are ALL artists tortured?) As much as I want too, I can’t take a vacation from life. Hiding under the covers and not coming out until it gets warmer and the sun stops being so flipping depressing and temperamental, while appealing, is not productive.
We all have a footprint to fill, we all have our stories to write. While it may not seem it we affect the people around us, usually in a pretty awesome amazing way.
I admit there are days where making my bed is a huge accomplishment But that is the importance of baby-steps. The moments that I take literally one step at a time to help come through it. Like the turtles that my nephew is so obsessed with right now, slow and steady DOES win the race, the tortoise is proof of that.
Or at least fake it until I do. If it entails a boat load of ice cream and a martini, then I do it.
Creating My Story
I am more then halfway done with NaNoWriMo, something I wasn’t sure I wanted to do. To add to the craziness (and in typical over-achiever fashion) or perhaps to give my heart some joy, I am once again the jet-setting blonde as I embark on my last “Big” trip of 2017.
My story is messy, and painful, and a struggle at times. But it is also joyful and exciting and success despite the struggles. In other words it is mine in all of its’ incredible and raw authenticity. Sometimes you have to be real. Because as much as it is difficult to be open, that realness also let’s others know it is okay. It will be okay. We create our narrative, and we can choose whether to stay stuck or take those baby steps.
What do you do to get out of a funk? How do you create your story?
Your writing is always amazing. I definitely go through phases. Lethargic, uninspired to write and where it feels like I’ve done well by making the bed too! Defo been trying to get out this feeling since I got back from NYC. I try to plan nice things, pamper myself and then I start to feel better xx
Awe sweets this comment seriously just made my day! Thank you! That means so much. Hugs. pampering definitely helps. It also helps when you realize you aren’t the only one alone in feeling like this. I hope you feel better soon! <3
Definitely. I get that feeling mostly after a holiday where I don’t want to be back to reality☺ But sometimes I just feel meh. Hope you feel better soon beautiful girl xx
Thank you so much beauty! I appreciate it! I definitely can relate to that as well! So hard to face reality especially when you have had a blast escaping from it. Thanks love! <3
I just listen to music and maybe think about shit. I’ve only recently gotten back into writing.
I love music, especially if I am feeling down. That is great that you are getting back into writing! I hope it goes well for you! <3
Sorry to hear you’ve been feeling a little down lately and disconnected, especially from your writing which you love so much. I think we all have those times sometimes when somethings just not right and we don’t feel ourselves, but I think they can be good for us as it makes us really think about life and gives us a boost to get focused again! Like you say slow and steady wins the race, even a small step in the right direction is better than staying stuck! Hope you feel more cheerful soon lovely, have a brilliant trip and remember you are amazing!!! Xx
I cannot tell you how much I love this post; it’s so raw and real. Like you said, writing is my therapy, my sanctuary, and I can completely relate to the lost feeling you get without being able to tap into that escape. That said, YOU GOT THIS. You know how to motivate yourself and push through the tough times…so there’s no doubt in my mind that you’re going to overcome this latest hurdle with ease and grace <3