“Every story I create, creates me. I write to create myself.” Octavia E. Butler
It seems like every quote I come across lately has spoken to my soul and this one in particular is yelling, I have been struggling something fierce the last few months. To be honest, I wasn’t sure if I could do NaNoWriMo. In fact besides seeming to be at a cross roads, I was even questioning my writing.
You know I have hit rock bottom if I am questioning my writing!
Okay I am exaggerating slightly.
Writing is fuel.
It is MY fuel
It feeds my soul and declutters the mind. It doesn’t matter whether it is a blog post, working on my numerous novels, a freelance piece, or an essay for school. The minute I start to hear the click-clatter of my fingers on the key-board I feel my breath calm, and my heart rate sync. Sometimes I feel like I am in a trance. Hours will pass, but it doesn’t matter because I am at peace.
Yet, much like life lately, I have felt disconnected from my writing. There is an anxiousness. An almost robotic feel of going through the motions. I know that like with most things, it will pass, but when you are in the moment it is overwhelming. When writing stops being therapy, I feel even more adrift in the ocean that I usually love so much.
In typical Kate 101 fashion I had thought about taking a step back. When anxiety, depression, stress and just the world as a whole feel so compounding, in I go to my cocoon and rarely do I come out until I yank myself up by my bootstraps and tell myself to grow the fuck up and force myself to work through it. In other words, “Suck it up buttercup.”
It might sound completely out of character. Usually I am the one encouraging, being empathetic and the all around Mother Hen. But even Mother Hens need spa days to primp their oh so ruffled feathers, or they need days where they just want to get in a fucking cock fight, because yes, even females can flex their beaks and guess what? They are sharper then any males. (I still love you babe!)
Horrible metaphors aside, you have to suck it up. YOU have to be the one because no one else can make you. Yes you can have wonderfully incredible support systems, but at the end of the day, they aren’t stuck inside your mind and body. They make you feel better for a hot second, it puts a temporary band aid on the wounds, but YOU ultimately have to decide how you are going to move forward. To stay stuck in the conundrum or welcome the sunflowers, daisy and bright corny crap.
Happiness is YOUR choice
When push came to shove I knew NOT doing NaNoWriMo would kill my already tortured artist soul. (okay honestly is it just me, or are ALL artists tortured?) As much as I want too, I can’t take a vacation from life. Hiding under the covers and not coming out until it gets warmer and the sun stops being so flipping depressing and temperamental, while appealing, is not productive.
We all have a footprint to fill, we all have our stories to write. While it may not seem it we affect the people around us, usually in a pretty awesome amazing way.
I admit there are days where making my bed is a huge accomplishment But that is the importance of baby-steps. The moments that I take literally one step at a time to help come through it. Like the turtles that my nephew is so obsessed with right now, slow and steady DOES win the race, the tortoise is proof of that.
Or at least fake it until I do. If it entails a boat load of ice cream and a martini, then I do it.
Creating My Story
I am more then halfway done with NaNoWriMo, something I wasn’t sure I wanted to do. To add to the craziness (and in typical over-achiever fashion) or perhaps to give my heart some joy, I am once again the jet-setting blonde as I embark on my last “Big” trip of 2017.
My story is messy, and painful, and a struggle at times. But it is also joyful and exciting and success despite the struggles. In other words it is mine in all of its’ incredible and raw authenticity. Sometimes you have to be real. Because as much as it is difficult to be open, that realness also let’s others know it is okay. It will be okay. We create our narrative, and we can choose whether to stay stuck or take those baby steps.
What do you do to get out of a funk? How do you create your story?