What not to do when Dating Online

A few months ago, I decided to give that online dating thing ago. I was skeptical. I had my doubts. But as a good little yogi I knew I had to put those aside and take a positive outlook. You attract what you give out, or so they say.

I settled for EHarmony after talking to various friends. I answered millions (slight exaggeration but not by much) of questions. Screamed silently at why this couldn’t be some futuristic feature where they read your mind, because let’s face it the questions were tedious. I know what I like Harmony should too.

I agonized over what pictures to put up, and marveled at the many hair transformations I have gone under (its a lot). Then I waited.

Then I laughed.

I know it probably doesn’t sound very nice, but when a guy puts, “Must smell nice” after “Someone who works out and is fit.” You have to laugh. It reminded me of that episode a couple weeks ago on the Bachelor where he demeaned those poor fools, I mean girls into working out so he could smell them. The link is below for your entertainment.


Did he want Barbie? Because pretty sure if you run five miles you are going to sweat.

Next please.

Guys who say they want a 5’10, hundred pound model, but then proceed to message you anyway. Ummm you did read the part where I said I was a legal (4’10) midget did’t you?

Pictures with girls in it and you are kissing. Yes you got the moves. You got the mojo dude. But if you are still caught up on that picture of you canoodling another girl, maybe you shouldn’t be on a dating site….Just saying.

Guys calling you baby. Or gorgeous. Or any endearment straight off the bat. Maybe I am being an uber bitch. But when a guy writes “Hey Babe let me introduce myself.” They are on the wrong site and should go use Ashley Madison. They also probably sent out hundreds of those said messages and couldn’t remember your name (note to all the guys out there…it says on my profile) and were afraid of calling you Cindy, in which case they did anyway – Did I mention it says my name on my profile?

And the second most important. Guys trying to get into your pants. As a self proclaimed macho female (Seriously I swear, I am always the guy in the relationship) while honesty is appreciated, trying to sleep with me and sexting before even meeting me in person, screams desperation. If I wanted sex I would be on Tinder. Or more probable  go to my local watering hole. Girls don’t want desperation. Likewise girls, guys don’t want desperate.

Probably the most important (and the most annoying) are guys (and again this goes both ways with the sexes) who text, call, and stalk Facebook or Instagram 24/7. If I gave you my number it obviously means I am interested. And if I am not answering, it obviously means I am screwing someone. Kidding. It actually means I have a life, and I am modern Day Renaissance woman, who isn’t needy or dependent. Gents THAT is a good thing.

I know your egos tell you, you need to be needed, but messaging eighty-seven times (true story, and why the block button is fabulous) without waiting for my response, is a huge billboard flashing: Man (Or female) with psychopathic tendencies and uber desperate.

I will run.And I will not stop to collect my two hundred bucks. Most women would run at that. So word of advice Don’t Do that.

In fact Don’t. Do. Any. Of. The. Above.

This has served as your public service announcement. May love just be around the corner.



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